There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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