If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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