She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
