hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
