im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
