remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
