New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
