I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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