can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
