First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
