After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Two words: nipple clamps
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