alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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