saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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