Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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