Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
