it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
