Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My liver is preforming stress tests.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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