Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
