Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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