I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
