i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
