This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
