Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
