If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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