You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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