i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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