i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So squirting runs in the family.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
