this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When did we convert life to cartoon?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
