I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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