The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
True college students do jello shots in the library
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
