If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
