I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
