i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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