Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
