if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
