How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i drank out of a bidet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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