around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
