im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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