We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
