Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
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