so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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