Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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