bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
