It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
God, I missed his penis.
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