Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
