I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
