Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
