I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
