that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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