no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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