when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
